barely controlled fluidity

I'm completely convinced that I am happy in HK.

However, I have sudden, sharp pangs of discontent. They don't make much sense to me, but I guess in the end that's the human condition, right? I haven't been as devoted to staying close with God in the past couple weeks. Well, maybe that isn't fair. I've been relatively disciplined in making healthy decisions this week. Perhaps a more accurate description would be to say the struggle for internal balance and peace has been much more intense over the last few days.

I am completely confused by my relationships here. I really love the people I'm with, but sometimes all the experiences and secrets we share leave me hollow. Okay, so I know more about Mr. or Miss. X than anyone else on the trip. Big deal! I feel like I'm keeping score on some kind of cheap game.

Maybe I just feel disillusioned because I continue to have unrealistic expectations of relationships. I want a deep, tender, mutually beneficial friendship. Now! (As if that's at all reasonable.) I really thought I'd put aside such demanding ideals, but it seems old patterns die hard.

One step at a time, I suppose. I used to have agendas for people. Somehow I thought I had all the answers for their life as well as mine. I could love them beautifully--they just had to understand my way was right! Talk about conditional love--thinking back on it, I feel quite ashamed. With God's grace, that prideful attitude will remain a vanquished foe.

How exactly this ties in, I'm not sure, but my artistic pursuits seem to be connected to my ups and downs. My hunch is that in deciding to be newly flexible in the ways that painting and dance require puts me in a state of flux. Therefore, my normally ironclad confidence is too brittle to keep up as I change. Maybe that's a good thing.

Overall, I love change and growth, but I tend to forget the birthing pains that come along with truly dramatic growth. Thankfully, I am learning to appreciate the exhilarating but frightening sensation of slipping towards change.

balancing the brush

I realized while talking to a friend of mine today online that I've accidentally given my blog a rather negative tone so far. This entry is an attempt to balance the mood in my little corner of cyberspace.

This weekend was very positive on the whole. On Friday afternoon I went to the second session of my traditional Chinese Painting Studio class, where we tried our hand at painting Chinese orchids. I can't say that my fledgling attempts were high art, but some of them were attractive in an amateurish way, which pleased me greatly. Well, I should clarify--my attempts at the orchid leaves turned out okay. The strokes involved in making the flower itself still mystify me to a great extent, but my roommate has done Chinese painting before, so I am optimistic that with a practice and a little tutoring I'll improve.

After class, I was pretty much exhausted and felt slightly discouraged by my status as the only round-eye in the class (since the professor's mode of operation so far has been to give me a brief translation after speaking to everyone else in Cantonese). Despite this, I can definitely say that I am learning something new every time I attend that class.

EDIT: I talked to the prof. this last week, and he was really nice about using more English, thankfully. Now I just have to figure out how I'll turn in a passable orchid painting next class... scary!!