Wednesday, October 10, 2007

barely controlled fluidity

I'm completely convinced that I am happy in HK.

However, I have sudden, sharp pangs of discontent. They don't make much sense to me, but I guess in the end that's the human condition, right? I haven't been as devoted to staying close with God in the past couple weeks. Well, maybe that isn't fair. I've been relatively disciplined in making healthy decisions this week. Perhaps a more accurate description would be to say the struggle for internal balance and peace has been much more intense over the last few days.

I am completely confused by my relationships here. I really love the people I'm with, but sometimes all the experiences and secrets we share leave me hollow. Okay, so I know more about Mr. or Miss. X than anyone else on the trip. Big deal! I feel like I'm keeping score on some kind of cheap game.

Maybe I just feel disillusioned because I continue to have unrealistic expectations of relationships. I want a deep, tender, mutually beneficial friendship. Now! (As if that's at all reasonable.) I really thought I'd put aside such demanding ideals, but it seems old patterns die hard.

One step at a time, I suppose. I used to have agendas for people. Somehow I thought I had all the answers for their life as well as mine. I could love them beautifully--they just had to understand my way was right! Talk about conditional love--thinking back on it, I feel quite ashamed. With God's grace, that prideful attitude will remain a vanquished foe.

How exactly this ties in, I'm not sure, but my artistic pursuits seem to be connected to my ups and downs. My hunch is that in deciding to be newly flexible in the ways that painting and dance require puts me in a state of flux. Therefore, my normally ironclad confidence is too brittle to keep up as I change. Maybe that's a good thing.

Overall, I love change and growth, but I tend to forget the birthing pains that come along with truly dramatic growth. Thankfully, I am learning to appreciate the exhilarating but frightening sensation of slipping towards change.


T-Bear said...

Write more darling girl, I am loving reading about your thoughts and experiences. Things in Memphis are well...Memphis. We elected his royal wierdness King Willie again, Lord help us. Miss you tons! Jessi sends her love.


Sarsoura said...

Well my lele.. I love reading your thoughts- and I mean it when I say love it.. and I stress it when I say thoughts!

Backflash- remember when you mentioned that someone said your blogs have a negative tone to them-not at all! I think instead you truly are spurting out (in the best of writing, that is) what it is you are deeply thinking of. And as humans our minds are always struggling and conflicting and questioning even when we're sleeping!!!

I also feel I need to find that inner peace because I feel like I'm on slippery ground now. I feel there is so mcuh more I can do to grow closer to God that I want and giving myself excuses is not helping me- maybe we can have a talk sometime :-)